One Step Closer To the Planet of the Apes

Researchers studying a group of savannah-dwelling Chimpanzees in the African nation of Senegal have observed a startling-- and ominous-- new behavior: the fashioning and use of spears to hunt. At least ten different chimps were observed fashioning spear-like tools to poke at nocturnal primates known as lesser bushbabies. The UN responded immediately by issuing a resolution condemning bushbaby aggression, while France denies that chimps posses the capacity to manufacture spears.

"It is not adult males, but young chimpanzees, including adolescent females, who are exhibiting this behavior," reported Jill Pruetz, a primatologist at Iowa State University. "This has important implications for how we think about the evolution of tool use in our own species," Pruetz added. "We have tended to emphasize the role of adult males in hunting, and this research supports the assertion that we should not ignore females and other individuals." More importantly, however, is that Pruetz believes, "This is also a clear indicator that these chimps are already well on their way to fulfill the Hestonian prophecy of world-wide ape domination. A mad-house, indeed."

A representative for the NRA called a press conference upon hearing the latest news in the ape arms race and proclaimed, "The NRA has been preparing for this eventuality since Charleton Heston became our president in 1998, and you have our solemn vow to keep the the reigns of power out of the stinking paws of those damn, dirty apes!"