Will Work For Guinness

Those nancy-boy wankers in the EU should be grateful my Irish brethren drink so heavily! For it is written that God created whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world!

Little Known Facts About the Irish

• The original group of Celts that left mainland Europe and landed on the shores of what would be known as Ireland were actually trying to find a Bronze Age version of Denny's after a month-long bender. When they sobered up they realized that #1: Denny's hadn't been invented yet and #2: they were all too hungover to turn around and head for home, so they stayed where they were.

• Irish celts were known to go into battle stark naked, painted blue and sporting erections. What is generally not known is that this tradition started out as an Irish wedding ceremony that went horribly, horribly wrong.

• Paint your own mental picture of that.

• It is a commonly held misconception that Saint Patrick drove out snakes from Ireland. In reality, he drove out all of the sober, stuffy buzz-kills who would settle in parts of England and eventually become Puritans.

• Saint Patrick also invented the keg stand.

• The first English involvement in Ireland took place circa 684 AD, when an English expeditionary force sent by Northumbrian King Ecgfrith invaded Ireland in the summer of that year. The English forces managed to seize a number of captives and booty, but they apparently did not stay in Ireland for long, as English beer muscles are no match for the legendary Irish beer muscles.

• The first recorded Viking raid in Irish history occurred in 795 AD when Vikings from Norway looted the island of Lambay, located off the Dublin coast. It was extremely convenient for the Vikings that the raid just happened to take place the day after St. Patrick's Day.

• A bunch of other stuff happened in Irish history, but nobody really cared until the invention of Guinness in 1759 by Arthur Guinness, the father of modern Irish drunkenness.

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