6 Votes
Working for a Living
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The Background
I was raised in a socially conservative religious group, where it is the unspoken (and sometimes spoken) norm that women stay at home with the kids while men go forth and provide. As a product of a family where this did not happen, I have never really felt too strongly about the validity of that message. My parents both worked and we turned out alright.
Five years ago, my wife and I decided that she would attend Medical school. We agreed that it would be best that she be as educated as possible so she would have to freedom to choose the hours she would work to create a child friendly schedule for our family. We realized that her schedule would be crazy during school, but it would eventually be worth it. I had my Bachelors and, as a guy, it didn’t really matter what hours I had to work. I mean, that is what guys do, right?
Fast forward three years to the birth of my son. We had always planned to have our first child during the “Med School Years” and knew that while it would make things harder, it would be the right time to begin our family. My wife ended up taking a year off school (extending our “Med School Years” to five) to stay at home with little Jack. While she enjoyed having that year with the baby, she was ready to go back and finish starting this year.
So now she is interviewing for residency, looking at 50-80 hrs/week schedules for the next 4-5 years, and we are wondering how we were ever so stupid as to overlook the most time intensive part of medical training. On top of that, not all of the hospitals she is looking at have reasonable work opportunities for me. So now I am staring into a future where we experience a little role reversal, i.e. I might become a stay at home pop.
The Dilemma
We have discussed the idea of women in the workplace vs. women at home. Due to our backgrounds, neither of us has ever felt that “women belong in the home” or “women who stay home are useless”. I’ve always felt they have the same choice (or should) that men do. Work or don’t work. In theory we have discussed me filling the role as the primary care-giver and her the provider (I sometimes jokingly refer to her as my retirement policy). Now with it staring me in the face, I view it a little differently. I wonder how it would affect me to not have a job. My little boy is a ball of energy and it is not easy to watch him all day. But while it would be physically demanding, I fear it would fail to challenge me mentally. At least in the ways that I am used to being challenged.
My wife feels the same way I do. She loves being with little Jack, but feels she would go crazy if all she did all day everyday was stay at home with him and not pursue her other dreams and goals.
Where we stumble is in thinking, “well, if we are both working, who in the heck is going to be with Jack?” Both of us would choose to be at home to raise him, but we don’t like the all or nothing choices that are reasonably available. We don’t want to have someone else raise our kid. We don’t want to give up our other interests (i.e., work) completely either. We don’t want to whine and complain about not having options, when we understand we are pretty well-positioned. Looks like I choose option 3.
It seems to both of us that what would be ideal is a non-trivial, rewarding, part-time work opportunity. I would gladly take half-pay for half time. Benefits would be a little more tricky, but the fact is we don’t want something for nothing. We want to be contributing members of both society and our family.
The Questions
So I guess, what do the members of OmniNerd think? What are the benefits to women at home, women at work, men at work and/or men at home? Is wishing/searching for a middle ground approach as useless as I think it is?
Is our society really all that different today than in the 1950s or do we just pay lip services to ideas like gender equality? And do men get the short end of the stick, because the only articles I ever see are ones about the difficulty facing women when it comes to this issue (apparently men never worry about parenting)?
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Similarly tagged OmniNerd content:
- Texas Bans Discrimination Against Intelligent Design, by VnutZ about 2 years ago
- How Dumb Are Americans?, by VnutZ over 2 years ago
- Homework - Plan A Terror Attack, by VnutZ over 2 years ago
- Too Fat to Graduate from College, by Brandon over 3 years ago
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Gender roles by Brandon
Just a few disjointed thoughts…
On a general level, I think the genders have different strengths in family life – women are better at nurturing and men better at protecting/providing. When you apply it to a specific situation, of course, it’s possible the generalization will be completely wrong.
I don’t know that “gender equality” will ever reach complete fruition … because men are not women and women are not men. There are different organs and different hormones, which won’t change, and there are different cultures – which would take forever to erase completely.
One benefit I see to the traditional family is its ability to direct typical weaknesses of each gender – selfishness in women and laziness in men. Don’t get me wrong; there are many lazy women and selfish men, as well as many loving women and dilligent men. On the whole, however, I think working on being a “good providing/protecting Dad” or a “good nourishing/nurturing Mom” greatly improves the ability of people to overcome natural tendencies that would make them and those around them unhappy.
That is a Problem. by gnifyus
I’m going to start out by telling you something that you already know: You’ve got yourself a problem.
But the problem doesn’t necessarily come from the mere fact that you both work; it comes from this statement:
So now she is interviewing for residency, looking at 50-80 hrs/week schedules for the next 4-5 years..
50-80 hours a week! You will be the sole provider. I’m even a little puzzled by the mutual worry about someone else raising your kid –- One of you will only see him for brief periods anyway. (awake, that is.)
I don’t see any way to balance this without some sort of daycare entering the picture. If you are worried now about being under-stimulated, believe me, in one year you definitely will be. I’ll address this more in a minute.
I know countless families with two working parents, but one has shorter hours, or they have a shift in hours so there’s some sort of overlap. Couples who both have “big” jobs use daycare. It costs, but their jobs and desire for career seem to override any consideration of that. That being said, picking a good daycare is one of the most important decisions you will make if you decide to go that route.
Your problem has nothing to do with gender roles; it has everything to do with the sheer hours away from home. You both are who you are and no general statement of “societal norms” is necessarily going to appease either of your desires for something beyond family life.
I’m a little bit biased toward daycare. It’s how my wife and I solved the problem that you are now having. She is a teacher by profession, but when our kids were small she quit teaching for a while and opened a home daycare. So, instead of paying for daycare people paid her. For all of those kids it was like having little half brothers and sisters; a second family if you will. That statement shouldn’t scare you; it really was a good thing. (Kids are very adaptable). As the years went by though, I began to be concerned for her overall mental well-being. Being with little kids all day long with no adults to interact with takes its toll on even the most dedicated caregiver. When both our kids were old enough for school, she went back to teaching. All I’m saying is that my wife has chosen a career in dealing with kids and even she began to flag at the end without the stimulation of being in a school environment.
You have to really think about how you will fare, because boredom and bitterness will serve no one, especially your child. They pick up on your general happiness and things will go well if the time you do spend with them is spent well.
Unacceptable Risk Management by Occams
So now she is interviewing for residency, looking at 50-80 hrs/week schedules for the next 4-5 years
I think it is disgraceful and very dangerous the way young doctors are treated during their hospital training. By exposing them to serious fatigue on a regular basis we are exposing their patients to life threatehing risks.
Why has it become the norm? On what basis is it fine to exploit them like this? It seems to be a lack of professional standards in hospital management to me. We would not let other people who are responsible for human lives do this: plane, bus and truck drivers for example. Why do the indemnity insurers permit it?
A similar situation by Anonymous
I just finished my residency a few months ago and am now in my first of 2 years of fellowship. My husband is a business consultant and works from home if he’s not travelling, which he usually does for a few days out of the month. We are blessed to have a happy, healthy 1 year old son. I wanted to have kids and it was a planned pregnancy. We are also very fortunate to have found a wonderful nanny for him, to whom he is quite attached.
In June I had a board exam for which i studied for 5 and a half months. Studying for that exam was a grueling experience and took up almost all of my waking hours. My very supportive husband did most of the childcare during the evenings and weekends. It was rough for both of us, but we knew that it was a temporary situation and got through it. It wont get to that extreme anymore, but the next few years ahead will bring some long work hours for me, at least until I’m out of training and gain the confidence to work quickly and independently.
My husband will have to leave his job soon due to the economic situation and the layoffs at his company. If I wasn’t working right now, we would be in a trouble. Granted, I don’t make much money yet, but what I do make will hopefully hold us over until he finds something in this dismal job market. It’s times like this that make you grateful for having a job.
I grew up with two working parents, as did many children in my generation. I didn’t feel that I wasn’t getting enough love or attention at home, nor did I have resentment towards parents. My childhood was very healthy and memorable. I was generally happy, performed well in school, and am now a successful and well-adjusted adult.
As for parenting my child, I feel that my husband and I are good, loving parents to him. Yes, it would be ideal if we could stay at home with him and have all of our other needs met, including financial and personal, but that is not the case. Of course there are people who have no desire to work and are perfectly happy being at home with the kids. Like you and your wife however, there are many who would not be happy doing that. It may even trigger loneliness and depression, which can in turn negatively effect the children.
I think the most important thing is to provide for your children, make sure that they are physically and emotionally healthy, and that they have a good learning environment. I feel that my child’s needs are being met well and I feel that both my husband and I have a wonderful relationship with him. There is so much backlash in society today against working mothers, but in the end, there may be risks whether a mother stays home or goes to work. There are also positive and negative effects of daycare which are may depend on the individual child. In the end you need to evaluate you’re unique situation and do what’s best for you and your family.