I’ve been around ON for awhile lurking in the back shadows. Needless to say, there’s a whole counter-culture seemingly lost in the rampant conservatism here. I for one, feel its time to shake up the nerds.

---

I wonder if it’s coincidence that vibrators sound like weedwackers? I mean, vibrators were invented in the 1800s, long before vajazzling and bacon strips went mainstream. There were … weeds back then. But now, weeds are whacked. Puberty is SO 1800s. It’s all about prepubescence in 2010.

It was actually a physician who invented the vibrator to cure hysteria, a terrible disease noted in sex-hungry women: those sickly, possessed lassies who craved the good times over the depressing times. Of course, the famous Sigmund Freud comes to mind, since he spent his life studying pockets of hysterical women. One can only imagine Dr. Freud’s therapy sessions, where cures for hysteria were undoubtedly tried, manipulated, and refined to meet each, desperate woman’s needs. It sheds a new light on his title, “The Father of Modern Psychology.”

His sessions may have ended with a highly professional, inquisitive diagnosis … “Who’s your Daddy, ladies? Who IS your daddy? That’s it … that’s it. Continue curing yourselves!!!”

Vibrational history aside, I can’t understand why a vibrator silencer hasn’t been invented yet. Babies have pacifiers (110 decibels), dogs have muzzles (75 decibels), guns have silencers (160+ decibels) and there’s duct tape for obnoxious people and kidnapped people. The 100+ year old vibrator, however, has nothing, which is odd, considering it’s a tool for intimate self pleasure yet sounds like a chain saw. And let’s face it…, it’s pretty darn embarrassing to get caught using your vibrator.

In the meantime, if someone ever questions the loud BUZZZZZZZZZ sound coming from your pants, here’s a few things you can say to the inevitable question, “Hey! What’s that buzzing sound I hear?”

• “Oh, that? A motor boat decided to park in my pants. Yah, I thought it was a little weird too.”
• “Oh, that? Just a couple of overly-friendly horse flies. You gotta be one with everything in nature.”
• “Oh, that? Just my electric toothbrush. Since my brain injury, I sometimes get my mouth confused with my…”
• “Oh, that? It’s quite the jungle down there, so I went with a conventional weedwacker this time.”

Sigh. OmniNerd inventors, take heed. There’s a gold mine to be made in th/r/ongs of hysterical women out there who don’t want to get caught.