Plague of "British" Beasts Terrorizes Basra

Melivora capensis. That is the name of an animal plague supposedly released upon the citizens of Basra in Iraq by none other than the British army. Terrified residents say they have witnessed the "vicious; creatures devour whole cows. It reportedly has a taste for human flesh, can run as fast as a deer, and at least one woman believes it has head "like a monkey." What is this scourge of beasts that the British army has released upon the Iraqis? It’s a honey badger and British army spokesman Major David Gell said, "we have not released giant badgers in Basra …", reinforcing an earlier statement: "we can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area." Happily, the director of the Basra veterinary hospital agrees and says the animals have lived in the area for a long time, calling talk of the British releasing it as a weapon "incorrect and unscientific." Nevertheless, rumors abound about British culpability in the badger plague. One cannot help but wonder if the residents of Basra shouldn’t desist from blaming the British for the badger scare, but instead thank them wholeheartedly for being spared a stop on the upcoming Spice Girls world tour.