There has yet to be a conclusive explanation for the mass bird deaths in the southern United States. Thousands of the red-winged, blackbirds have simply fallen dead from the sky and the remaining population doesn’t appear to be healthy either. Some have proposed that New Year’s Eve fireworks were the cause of the shock trauma experienced by the birds, the leading diagnosis since scientists have ruled out poisons and other obvious environmental factors. So unless a southerner has simply littered the air with a high-volume birdshot flak cannon, it seems intuitively obvious to the most casual observer that their cause of death lies within the deepest of government conspiracies.