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Introduction

So you're going to be a dad. Congratulations! You're in for one of the best experiences life has to offer, but right now you don't know that. Right now you're wondering what a father is supposed to do. Fear not; I'm about to tell you. This is not an all-inclusive guide; we have mothers and mothers-in-law to tell us everything we ever hoped to know about what babies need. Instead, written here is one person's perspective on becoming a father for the first time, with a focus on gear. My wife, Erin, and I had our first child, a boy we named John Robert, on April 18, 2005 in Bamberg, Germany. With this experience fresh in my mind, I want to share some observations which will help a new father wisely prepare for the arrival of his first child.

The moment you and your wife decide you're ready for children, the stork isn't going to drop one on your doorstep. It takes most people between four and ten months to conceive, and then nine months more of pregnancy, so the average "trying-to-baby" time is 13-19 months. Bear this in mind when planning for children. On that note: do you know many people who wish they'd waited longer to have kids, besides the ones who got pregnant in high school? My wife and I wish we would have started a little earlier.

There are literally hundreds of books out there for new moms, dads, and second-cousins-once-removed. I haven't read them all, nor did I need to. Trust your instincts on most things. A baby usually has a good reason for crying. Mom needs more help around the house and your newborn son won't be able to catch that football- so don't throw it at him! Use a good, comprehensive book like the What to Expect series1 for more complex problems, and secure a competent Obstetrician/Gynecologist (Ob/Gyn) and pediatrician for things you can't handle. Web sites like Web MD contain a wealth of information.2

Pregnancy

Taking Care of Your Pregnant Wife

Note the title of this section; if you've impregnated someone who isn't your wife, shame on you. The good news is, you have nine months to get married and spare your child from a higher likelihood of poor self-esteem, drug use, being accurately called a bastard, low academic achievement, listening to Marilyn Manson, imprisonment, and repeating the cycle of illegitimacy (compared to a child growing up in a two-parent home).

Got it? Ok. Congratulations on your shotgun wedding. I'll send you a case of PBR and a copy of "The Bell Curve." Now let's get the new mom to a doctor.

Friends and coworkers can refer you to a good Ob/Gyn in the area. Ask questions. Can you reach the doctor during the day? If something comes up, can you get appointments the same day/week? Most importantly, how does it smell in the office? I'm not kidding on that last one: my wife and I learned quickly not to make appointments in the late afternoon.

Men, get involved in your wife's gynecological business. She needs your support. You need to know everything that's happening, what she's feeling, and what to watch for. Attend as many appointments with her as possible. You may blush a few times, and you'll come to know your wife far more intimately than you'd planned, but she'll love you more for it and your baby will be better off.

Ultrasounds are a marvelous tool for checking a baby's health and development. They can also detect gender. We decided to wait until the baby was born; it was much nicer to hear "It's a boy!" than "yep, it's a boy." There are no compelling reasons for finding out, just lame ones like, "I want to know what color clothes to buy" (green and yellow will get you through the first few weeks) and Communist Chinese ones like, "if it's a girl I'm going to throw her into the river." Do what you want but if you don't want to know what you're having, make sure everybody in that office knows. If you see someone new, tell them right away. Friends of ours who wanted to wait until the birth to find out went in for a checkup one day. A new nurse walked up, looked through their papers, and said, "you know you're having a boy, right?" Here's your sign, Naughty Nurse.

Back to your wife's needs: be supportive. Help around the house. Buy lots of pickles. She may vomit a lot early on. She'll get progressively more uncomfortable as time goes on, and she'll gain weight: 15-40 pounds of weight gain is recommended, depending on weight prior to pregnancy.3 Realize that as she becomes a mother, she's more beautiful than ever. Although she will probably disagree with you, she won't get tired of hearing how fantastic she looks.

Problems

Miscarriages, like many personal tragedies, are more prevalent than one would expect. The March of Dimes estimates 15% of all recognized pregnancies (wherein the woman knows she is pregnant) end in miscarriage.4 These usually occur in the first trimester, and while devastating, rarely indicate a systemic problem. It is important for would-be parents to understand that pregnancies don't always work out perfectly. My wife and I started trying for a baby in November 2003. She was pregnant a month later, only to miscarry after six weeks. Another miscarriage occurred in July 2004, and we pressed our German Ob/Gyn for ideas. He prescribed supplements of magnesium and progesterone, a female hormone that helps prepare the lining of the uterus to receive a fertilized egg.5 In our case, the progesterone was more a precaution than a response to a specific problem, but it did the trick. Erin got pregnant a week or two later, stayed on the prescription for the first trimester (plus a few weeks extra) and nine months later we had our son. The progesterone-and-magnesium regimen also worked for friends who had had complications. I am not sure if our luck had changed or if the supplements did it, but I'm a believer. Our total "trying-to-baby" time was 17 months, and the heartbreak of two miscarriages was quickly wiped away by the birth of our healthy baby.

Birth

Baby Arrives

Oh boy! There is a lot you should have done to prepare for this moment, like pick a hospital, practice driving there, and pack a bag. I'll assume you did it because you had plenty of time to plan for this day. A quick note: in spite of what movies and TV shows depict, labor isn't like diarrhea. It usually lasts several hours, and there's plenty of time for you to load up the car, drive to the hospital, and get sworn at by your hormonal wife. My one tip for labor is bring Chap Stick. The rest is in the books.

Good excuse for missing your baby's birth: "I was in Iraq."

Bad excuse for missing your baby's birth: "I was in the middle of an awesome game of Halo."

Delivery Complications

A few hours into my wife's labor, we found out she wasn't dilating enough and the baby was "distressed" or had pooped into his fluid, which meant he needed to come out ASAP. Emergency Caesarean Section, here we come! As far as I'm concerned, a C-section is a get out of jail free card. It saves Mom a lot of pain and you can schedule your kids' birthdays from then on (no kids born on the 13th = good). I had heard the father couldn't be there for this operation. However, since they did spinal anesthesia as opposed to knockout gas (my wife's choice), I was able to sit on Erin's side of the curtain and talk to her as they quickly and painlessly pulled our son out of her stomach, not flattening his head one bit in the process. Hearing my son's voice and seeing his slimy little body was the most thrilling moment of my life. It will be the same for you, however the baby arrives.

Gear

Gone are the days of Sacagawea, who took a quick break from the Lewis and Clark trail, popped her boy out, slung him over her shoulder, and "proceeded on." Nowadays you have to buy a few things. The good news is that Mom will provide all the impetus necessary to purchase baby gear, particularly clothes (my wife started buying baby clothes when she herself was about age six, so by several months into the pregnancy we had enough to outfit the world's first set of octuplets). Since your wife is not going to leave you alone until you have everything, your job in the gear department is simple and twofold: get safe stuff and get it for the best price.

For safety, Consumer Reports is an invaluable reference.6 For $26.00 a year or $4.95 a month, you get access to its database of thorough tests on everything a baby can sit, poop, eat, or play on. The safest car seat is usually not the most expensive one, and if it is, so what? Stand in front of a mirror holding up your $300 iPod or GPS, and then try to justify trying to save 30 bucks for an inferior car seat.

The babies you used to know have grown up, and they don't need their stuff anymore. Check with relatives and thrift shops for clothes, strollers, cribs, pack n' plays, swings, bouncy chairs, and bathtubs- but not car seats! You never know if a car seat has been dropped, in a wreck, or if long hours in the sun have partially melted it. They're made of plastic, which can hide stresses and weaknesses. Buy car seats brand-new and from a reputable vendor.

Take hand-me-downs with gratitude, clean them, and don't use them until you check the manufacturer's Web site or Consumer Reports for recalls. A colleague gave us a Graco baby swing that we used several times before I thought to check for a recall. It turns out the harness had been poorly designed and five babies had died from falling out of or being strangled by it. Recalls are no joke; fill out the registration for every new product you buy and you'll be notified in the event of a recall. For anything not brand-new, you must check for recalls before you use it.

Car Seats

In Germany, the home of government intrusion, mom and baby can't check out of the hospital without showing the nurse a car seat. Plus, I heard they were pretty good to have. Based on my research, I ordered the Graco SnugRide, of which there are many variants in many colors, from Babies R' Us at Amazon.com.7 $80 (including shipping) gets you a lightweight, uber-safe car seat that is useful for lugging around your immobile little one during the first several weeks.

Travel Systems

Whatever your brand, two terms you need to know are base and travel system. Most infant car seats include a base, which you'll only have to spend an hour muscling into your car once. The seat itself will snap in and out of the base rather easily (you can also use your seat sans base in someone else's car, but with more effort). Once the seat is in the middle of your back seat (and you've gotten over how hopelessly uncool your car now looks, and by extension, how uncool you now are) get a free inspection to make sure it's properly installed. Go to your local police station or log on to seatcheck.org for a listing of inspection locations.

A travel system is a car seat-and-stroller set, where the seat locks into the stroller. Picture yourself at the supermarket: You simply take the car seat (with the baby still in it) out of the car, then safely latch the car seat into your stroller. The baby never wakes up, and you can shop quietly, spending what used to be your beer money on diapers and wipes. Most manufacturers make their car seats compatible with their strollers, but the product description will tell you for sure. You might as well buy both at once; you usually save money doing so.

Strollers

Whatever you do, try the stroller out in a store. Connect the car seat. Does the handle adjust to fit your and Mom's height? Is it light enough to put in your car? Can you use the storage space in the travel system setup? I found on the Graco Metrolite I bought for $100 on KidSurplus.com that the huge basket underneath is basically inaccessible until the baby's old enough to sit up (3-4 months).8

Cribs

We have the car seat and stroller. The little sucker's gotta sleep somewhere. We used a cradle my father made for the first month, then a pack n' play (portable crib, more on them later) until we found a full-on Evenflo "Jenny Lind" crib in our apartment's storage area. After ordering about $20 worth of replacement wheels, screws, and brackets (you can buy replacement parts for most baby products from the manufacturer's Web site) and buying a plastic mattress cover at the thrift shop, our little boy is set for two more years.

Diapers

A simple subject. Babies urinate and defecate in diapers. If you want your baby to urinate and defecate into something with Elmo's picture on the front, spend the extra $3 a package. Do what your book says, pick the right size, and stick with the same brand unless your pip squeak gets diaper rash.

Clothes

Mom has this covered. Fathers of boys merely have to conduct a "masculinity check" on every article of clothing. Baseball and bears: good. Princesses and pink: bad. In this day and age, a Britney Spears check on girls' clothing might not be a bad idea, either.

Optional Gear

That's about all you have to have, but there is plenty more baby stuff that will make your life easier. Optional gear includes mobiles (didn't really use ours), swings (ditto), and infant carriers, aka the Baby Bjorn. We got a Baby Bjorn for around $80 and it's very handy for places where strollers aren't convenient (cobblestones, hiking trails, hills, skydiving, crack dens). With the baby so close to you, you'll both be hotter, so don't use it in warm weather. After a couple months you can turn the squirt around so he's facing out, and air can then circulate between his humongous head and you or Mom's chest.

Another good thing to have is a "pack n' play," also known as a portable crib. They range from $30-$60 and are great for traveling, particularly when the baby starts crawling: Think portable baby prison. Some are safer than others; check Consumer Reports for peace of mind.

Travel Cribs

For serious campers and travelers, the German-made Pogy Reisebett (travel bed) is a terrific, lightweight, portable baby bed. It's easy to set up (see diagram above) and even comes with a mosquito net for the top. You can put it on the floor of your hotel room or tent, or on the bed with without having to worry about rolling over on your baby. Our son's best three nights of sleep have occurred in the Pogy, which cost us 48 euros (about $60). They're probably hard to find in the US but if you want one, e-mail me in the next year and I'll pick you up a Pogy. The first few months are a great time to travel as your baby is very portable. He sleeps a lot, weighs less than a bowling ball, and doesn't require a lot of luggage.

While parenting is a full-time job, don't take that maxim literally. Mom and Dad need time to themselves and baby doesn't need to be actively entertained his every waking moment. Naps are numerous but short the first couple months and it's easy for the stay-at-home parent to get overwhelmed. It's good to have something to enable the baby to entertain himself and also stimulate his imagination.

Two things our son has enjoyed are his bouncy chair and his play mat. Like most baby holding apparatus, both are fully washable and they break down for easy transport. Play mats come in many varieties (my cousin from Boston has a play mat she calls the "paaaak," as in, "wanna go to the paaaak?"). Animals or balls are Velcro-ed across the top. A play mat will occupy a newborn and, like a bouncy chair, is a safe place to store the baby while you're trying to get stuff done. The bouncy chair was a hand-me-down from friends. Around three months, our son learned that throwing his arms back and forth made it bounce (hence the name).

Video Camera & Digital Camera

You mean you don't have these already? Loser! A digital camera is a great way to let your far-flung friends and family see your little one. A video camera also comes in handy; grandparents and die-hard baby aficionados will appreciate the occasional tape of your child's day-to-day routine. It's been said that babies grow up too fast. A video camera captures those stages of development as well as your child's first meals, holidays, and birthdays.

My fourth digital camera (I tend to drop them) is a Fuji Finepix A330, $129.99 at Best Buy. I don't recommend Fuji, as their cameras are particularly fragile (I tend to drop Fujis). Three mega pixels are all you need for e-mailing photos and making 4" x 6" prints. Your good friend Consumer Reports can help you again here. Don't spend more than $150. For prints, Snapfish9 charges 12 cents each - far less than its competitors.

Thinking I would be able to easily make high-quality DVDs, I bought a Sony DCR-HC21 Handycam digital camcorder ($350 from the Army and Air Force Exchange) and used it as an excuse to also purchase the new computer I'd been wanting (with a DVD recorder). I learned two things: First, ordinary PCs are not up to speed with digital video: you'll get much better quality attaching your camcorder to the VCR and recording to a tape than you will making a DVD on your computer. Second, PCs come with rudimentary video-editing software. If you really want to make DVDs, be prepared to shell out $50-$100 for a decent program.

With the gear covered, I have but little advice to give on a few topics based on my first four months as a dad.

Infancy

Feeding

Breastfeeding is best (and free!), but you can still help. Breast pumps enable Mom to pump milk which she can then store in the fridge or freezer (or sell as coffee creamer). It's a smart idea to have some milk stored and to get the baby used to a bottle once a day, If Mom dries up, gets sick, or packs her bags and ditches you and the baby, the transition to or temporary use of a bottle will go much smoother. Holding your baby in your hands and feeding him from a bottle is also a moving experience and a good way to bond: As the baby looks into your eyes and chugs that milk, he'll get to know the sight, smell, and sound of his father.

Changing

Do it. A colleague told me, "The first time you change a diaper, act like you're going to throw up. Then you'll never have to do it again." I say he missed out. The first time I changed my son's diaper in the hospital was also the first time I was alone with him. It was in that changing room that I first realized the responsibility I'd just assumed. After four months of blowouts and out-of-control fire hose incidents on the changing table (for boys, keep that thing covered!), it hasn't gotten old. Corny as it sounds, it's our time together. Mom's got the goods when it comes to feeding him, and bathing is a two-person job, but changing diapers is one thing Dad can easily do. Although you may think your own excrement doesn't stink, your baby's truly doesn't. One or two diaper changes and you're a pro, fully desensitized to the cheap-yellow-mustard filling (and spilling out of) your baby's diapers. Hint: Keep a leak-proof pad under the baby in the car seat or anything else you would be upset to see covered in poop. Last week we drove to the train station and I pulled John out of his car seat, remarking, "He sure is sweating a lot." Well, it wasn't sweat, and cleaning the car seat took a great many baby wipes.

Burping

This is another thing Dad can do and it is also a quality time opportunity that can save your wife from a sore back. After Mom feeds the baby, she can hand the baby off to you. With bigger hands, fathers have an easier time coaxing out that all-important belch. For this father, patting works better than rubbing.

Bathing

Nothing smells worse than the sour milk-containing folds of a chubby baby's neck. Baths are essential. Every other day is a good frequency; any more will irritate the baby's skin. Get your baby used to water and always watch him, always. A little tub is useful for two months or so, and then it's easier to get into your tub with the baby. I usually put a hand under my son's head and let him float and kick. Babies find the warm water relaxing and enjoyable. Our washing technique is for one of us holds him up while the other washes the head neck, armpits, and butt area.

Night Time

A big source of potential problems. Be consistent; bathe, feed, burp, to and put your baby to bed at as close to the same time as you can. The older they get the easier it should be to get babies to bed. Until he was too big for them, we used full-length nightshirts with elastic around the bottom -- called "layette gowns" -- for John (see Swee'Pea below). This kept his legs warm while making it easy to pull up the gown and change his diaper. Babies can easily pull blankets over their head, so we dress ours up in warm clothes and leave the blankets out of reach.

Pacifiers

Use sparingly. They can be a very hard habit to break for a toddler. A good rule of thumb is to only use it to get the baby to sleep. Keep trying to eliminate it altogether with each phase of development. A pacifier is like heroin: the longer you use it, the harder it is to give it up. You don't want a little heroin addict, do you?

Conclusion

Hopefully this brief guide will help you buy the right gear and give you a few tips. There is plenty more you'll need to know, but I'm leaving that to the professionals. That's why it takes nine (and a half, actually) months: so you can get smart and be ready when the baby comes. The bottom line is that parenting is pretty intuitive. In the words of Walt Whitman, "trust thyself." Congratulations again, and best of luck with your little bundle of joy.

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