2 Votes
A Question of Perspective
A little over a year ago I had open heart surgery. As I recovered, I noticed that I was not as mentally sharp as I had been. Since it didn’t seem to improve over time, I researched this effect and found that many people who had been placed on a heart bypass machine during surgery were suffering from the same kind of mind alteration. There is even a name for it — pump head.
Also, about a year ago, I diagnosed myself as coping with adult ADD and began taking budeprion in order to bring some sort of evenness to my life. This has worked well for me.
With this new rewiring of my mind from both the surgical effect and the dosing, however, I find myself reconsidering my history. If everything I think I have experienced has passed through my brain and been deposited somewhere within my ADD filing system, how can I trust anything I retrieve? I recognize that some of what I am considering has been filtered and stored thorugh whatever process of coping revisionism my mind feels has been necessary or convenient, but if I allow myself to peek past any obstructions, how reliable is this new hindsight?
It is as though I have discovered a new narrator and a new editor for the telling of my life story, though this narrator understands that its sources are unreliable. So now I find myslf dealing with several narrative processes: one which has basically served to commit to the truth as nearly as it can comprehend it, one which has supressed the truth for mental health considerations, one which has been an analytical tool running in the background, one which is a fine revisionist story teller, and one which is now seeing things from a different perspective. And who knows how many more.
I talked to my old friends at a class reunion recently and found that we each brought something different to tales of the past, even to the point of contradiction. Is my life only what I perceive in my mind? If so, since dreams are also perceptions of the mind, are they as real as what we consider consciousness? I can’t quite wrap my brain around what I am trying to consider. I am a pump head after all.
Similarly tagged OmniNerd content:
- Unfinished: Objectivism vs Christianity - Philosophical or Semantic Differences?, by Brandon over 1 year ago
- Stoning of Iranian Woman, by VnutZ almost 3 years ago
- Virtue Ethics, Part III: The Theological Virtues, by davidcgore over 3 years ago
- Virtue Ethics, Part II: The Cardinal or Pagan Virtues, by davidcgore over 3 years ago
Print Friendly
Write an Article
A question of validity. by EyeOfSage
First of all, I think we should question the self diagnostic validity. Second of all, if your mental intelligence did decrease, how can you feel it? Are you sure it’s not just old age? Or perhaps it is all the psychological effect of thoughts.
Happiness by gnifyus
Is my life only what I perceive in my mind?
I would have to answer yes, for the most part, but it depends on what you define "your life" as being. If it is only the sum of what you think and remember, then your feelings of loss are to be expected as a result of your condition. But, your "life" is also contained in the memories of others that you may have shared it with even if their memories are slightly flawed also. No matter what the many narrators inside you are saying, the real question should be; "Am I happy right now?", and, "Do I think I will be happy tomorrow?"
My wife and I have grandparents in their nineties, two on her side and one on mine. Conversations with them revolve around their ancient memories which float around their heads, evolved and distorted with age, but still based on facts from their past. For the most part, even if the experiences of the past are slightly altered, or even outright fairy tales, if a person is happy does it really make a difference in the end?
Life is just an illusion by Anonymous
I agree that your life or what you remember about it is mostly to do with what you choose to remember. We selectively perceive only what we want. All of us do it. It a bit like horse wearing blinders.
So our memories are influenced by only the things we perceived at the time those memories were stored in our brain.
However, when we reflect on past occurrences we seem to be able to understand and remember more. I guess the memories are stored in our brain but our perception of self (self-perception) allows us to only remember certain memories.
Personally, I dont think you are a pump head. Self-reflection usually causes us to question ourselves.
Thank you, from another victim of Pump Head ... by Anonymous
In October of 2007, I had to undergo an open heart surgery and like you developed pump head which to this day continues to progress. To some it is also known as bypass brain! Cute little names for something that completely turned my life inside out.
I might have come to this dilemma in a different way than you ( I was a victim of gross neglect at the hospital that was suppose to stabilize me and transport me to another hospital for a stint ) but like you I am a pump head and must deal with it.
Sometime, I wished I knew how to cope better with this, but I do the best I can. To some that do not understand, we notice the changes. It’s simple really. What we do not notice our families certainly will. I watched how my family reacted to me. My sons can not believe some of the things I say, jumbling of words, constant forgetfulness or my sudden outbursts.
I wish it was a mandatory part of the preparation process before surgery that they tell us about this condition. I have been speaking openly more about it to others. Like you, I had to learn what this was for myself and then I confronted my doctors only to have them validate to me what I already knew from my own research.
Thank you for the post it has helped me more than you know. There are not many that speak so openly about this.
Kindest Regards,
Tina